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squall90
04 October 2009 @ 01:01 am
how am i suppose to forgive myself for forgetting what does today date means..
for weeks i've been wondering what will happen on this date..
i remember that it is a very important date to me..
but i forget what is it..

luckily i decided to watch making of KAT-TUN one drop
so i finally remember what happen today..

Otanjoubi omedeto Ueda Tatsuya..

the U of KAT-TUN..
wishing u to have a happy life along with your family n friends
n u to shine our days with your angelic smile and childish behavior..

P/S..gomen for not having any picture or any card..maybe i'll do it later since i'm pretty busy lately...
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Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
 
squall90
14 August 2009 @ 12:04 am
i've been thinking lately..
about something..
i dun know whether to let it go or just let it pass by....
i ask opinions around...
but...
everything have been negative so far...

but maybe this time..
only for this time...
i need to follow others...
since i can't find the answer deep within..

every time i go on the journey..
it hurts..
its killing..
the pain is unbearable...
which making me turn the table ..
as if it is the only thing that i am capable of now...

but why does it hurt so much??
will it always be like this??
the same pain i felt for almost dozens of time already..
but it still pains me...

seems like what my mum told me is true...
i am just a stupid girl who still can't see what is real..
and dun forget..soo negative about everything tooo

so this time..
i try to change myself..
for the better of me...
i will be a lonesome or a total geek if i had too..
as i dun want to hear does tone again...
the tone of someone disappointed in me..
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Current Mood: crushedcrushed
 
 
squall90
22 July 2009 @ 10:37 am
Rules:
1. Write down every letter of your name.
2. Then type a song that pops up in your mind in each letter of your name as the first letter.
3. Count the letters of your name, and tag people you know in that number.

F - Fight All Night
A - Ai no Hana * i had a broken heart recently*
R - Real Face
H - Hana no Machi
A  - Ame no Melody
N - No Matter Matter
A - Anniversary

*gomen..being bias on KAT-TUN but i dun know why....maybe cause KAT-TUN is always on my mind??

now i tagged~~
-is-chan
-eien-chan
-tai-kun
-ma-chan
-pka-chan
-yuna-chan
-haru-chan
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Current Mood: blankblank
 
 
squall90
20 July 2009 @ 11:38 pm
              Does it help to tell lies? Living everyday as someone whom even you do not know. People say you are hypocrite but what about them? Isn’t it was just the same for everyone. To live up to the expectation of what people have in you. In my case, everyone is being bossy around me. They tell me things which I do not like to hear nor knowing. Ordering me to do things which I dislike just to please them. Have they ever think about my feelings at all? I tried to live up to everyone expectation but in the end I still cannot do it. I sacrifice my own happiness by doing so and I know that person is not me at all. Only I know who I am and only I know what I really think of.

              So far, for 19 years i have been living on this surface, no one really understands me at all. Each time i thought someone really understands me turns out to be joke. Turns out to be a big fat lie that keeps on flowing in the drains. I wonder when will this stop. Maybe i can't entrust anything on a mere illusion.

              But I know. Living up to my expectation is not enough as loneliness will always be my friends. The last resort that I put is to put a sided face whenever I met different person. No one else is able to read through my white lies so far as I manage to cover it up nicely by saying things which they want to hear. Is it really worth it? If I said what I want, most people will definitely felt offended. My way of thinking is different from everyone. Things that I think is right usually consider as wrong by most people. I had my own way of logic to figure everything and I do not need anyone to approve it. I think what I think and all ask from them is to respect my thinking. If they think it was a definite wrong, tell me the reason which I can accept. Reasons which is self-evident.

               Can agree on at least one thing? Everyone is mere humans which different altogether and tends to make mistakes. That is human. Living up to expectation and do not make any mistakes is not humans at all. It sounds like a robot which has been programmed to be perfect. Robot whom does not has any feeling at all. I agree one thing on robot though, to be able to reach at the top, one needs to be heartless, cold-hearted and selfish. These must be present for anyone to be at the top. Think about it again, are you able? I know I can because I have something precious which always supports me on my backs no matter what will happen in the future. How about you? Do you have it? One hint. Everyone has it but whether you realize it or not, it is the greatest source of courage and strength that you could ever dream of.
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Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
squall90
20 July 2009 @ 11:34 pm
From The Inside
Linkin Park


I don’t know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift up through dust and the lies
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)

Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

I won’t waste myself on you
You
You
Waste myself on you
You
You

I’ll take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you

Everything from the inside and just throw it all away
Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you
You
You
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Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
 
squall90
07 July 2009 @ 06:00 pm
Title: One word in exchange for happiness.
Pairing: RyoDa
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Warning: None
Summary: Everyone thoughts that he, Nishikido have everything in this world but...
Disclaimer: This is Ryo POV..

            Everyday is the same if you do not have a special someone. A special someone that puts color into your dull life. This is exactly what happen to a man name Nishikido Ryo. His life is basically complete if we look at it physically but what everyone does not know even the one closest to him is that he suffered internally, mentally. He desperately craved for the feeling of belonging and owning. Put in simple words, he yearns for love. Yes love. A simple four alphabet which does not means anything if we separate it but when it joins together; it will create a miracle which cannot be compared with anything in the world.

            Most might think that he, Nishikido Ryo have all the love in the world but what everyone does not know is that he always felt lonely and felt out of place even though he is together with those who is closest to him. He tried to fish off the insecurities feeling that he felt in his heart for far too many times before, and all his effort was in vain, instead, the insecurities and uneasiness feeling inside him increase together with the number of his attempt.

            What was known to him is that only one person who can see through him. He can read him like an open book. Ryo was furious about that person since he does not like it when people knows what he actually feels and thinking so he solve the matter using the harsh way which creates a new legend in his workplace.

            Every time he would see the said person he will give harsh comment on him so that the said person do not have any time to read him since the said person will be busy accepting or recoiling his harsh words. He would do this until both of them will start off a cat-and-dog fight and their friends would have to break them off. When nobody is around, he still continue doing his matter towards the said person but not up to extend of fighting since the said person will run away from him.

             This have been gone for almost a year until their boss want to make it on-stage since he said this would increase the rating of the show. So I have done my part seriously till extend that I can’t stand a day without bickering with him. We still continue on our bickering until one day everything went wrong. I didn’t see the said person for more than a month now. It’s not that I’ve been busy with work at Osaka but even when I’m at Tokyo, I still didn’t see him even though I met all of his band mate.

            I know this might sounds crazy to most people but deep down in my heart, I felt lonely again when I didn’t get to see him. During the period when I am able to see him and bickering with him, all my worries, insecurities and loneliness just flew out of the window and I totally forgot about the mental illness that been bugging me since forever. Now, when he is no where to reach, I realize how important he is in my life.

             Everything is too late now. I have caused too much sadness to the said person and nothing can be done for me to be with the said person. I blamed myself for not realizing this fact sooner. I blamed myself for causing too much damage on the said person. How I wish I was able to turn back time and change everything for better. Now I truly regret for hating the fact that someone is able to read my minds.

            I stop trying to see him since I know it will be useless since the said person always runs away from me and the said person done a very good job in doing so. I never across the said person while we are practically in the same building for twenty-four-seven, not even his shadow can be seen.

            Everyday, after working my ass out, I will open my laptop and play some video with the said person in it. I wonder how a person can smile so innocently and act so simple-minded when in front of a lenses while the real person always look so serious that looks like nothing else mattered except working. Seeing the bright smile lessen my loneliness a bit and every night, I will drifted to the dreamland accompanied with a song entitled Love in Snow.

             Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep when I am thinking of how stupid and idiot I behave when the promising happiness is right in front of me. The insecurities and loneliness feeling causing me to be overwhelm by darkness and not seeing the light. Such a foolish human being should not be allowed to live in this world.

            What was not known to me is that each day, my behaviors of blaming myself and regretting have starting to show some effect on my appearance and work. I keep on lagging in work and I always fall sick. This caused most of my colleague to be worried. One time, I’ve been hospitalized for being unconscious during my dance routine. My entire colleague came to visit including all the members in the said person group but the said person never came. I put some hope seeing the said person come visiting me during the period when I was hospitalized till the point that I was leaving the front door of the hospital but he never show up. Now I felt more and more worthless since the said person obviously does not care and have completely ignored me.

            I realized that i I totally wasted my one and only key to happiness. Now, I need to go on my life without the promising happiness and being thrown back again to the depth of darkness .I wonder if I able to continue being like for the rest of my life, heck I even wonder if I can stay like this for another second. Negative thoughts filled me each time and I started to hear sounds and see hallucination of the said person insulting me for being worthless person. Even though it was just an illusion and I am being delusional, the words said by the said person still cut deep into my heart. The thought of ending my life keep on repeating in my head and I cannot stand the atmosphere anymore. Watching the said person video and listening to his songs does not cause any good to me anymore, in fact it worsen my condition.

            I started to skip my work and my boss is starting to get notice of my weird and least enthusiasm towards work lately. My boss suspended me until the day when the old me is coming out again which I do not know who is the one my boss mentioning. I in the past, present and future will always be the same. I can never change because I have lost the chance to change. I can only live in shame and never dream of happiness ever again.

            I have been suspended for 3 months. Everyone keep on coming to my apartment to cheer me up but the said person never came. Not even once. I grew to hate myself even more under those circumstances and I have reached my final determination. Today is the day where Nishikido Ryo will be forgotten by the rest of the world. Today is the where I reset everything in the world that I should never exist. I went to my kitchen and I pick one of my kitchen knives. Gently, I graced the sharp baled at my left wrist. I gathered all my courage on slicing the vein which is visible there and anticipating for the divine pain to come but none of the things happen. Instead, I saw the knife is being thrown far away from me and I am being embraced by someone. The person hugs me too tightly that I am unable to tell who is the one stopping me from ending my life.

            I try to break away from the person embrace but the person is too strong for me. I let the person embrace me for a while until the person is calmed enough to release me from his arms. Once the grip of the person arm weakens, I quickly break away from the person and take a good look to the person face.  I cannot believe what I am seeing as the said person is the one stopped me from my attempt suicide. I saw the said person eyes is red and tears still streaming down on the beautiful silken skin. Shocked is an understatement to describe how I felt now but nothing can compare to the feeling of guiltiness that overwhelms me when I see those puffy-red eyes. My mind went blank and I can’t think of anything. All the things that I want to say to the said person was at lost and all that I can muster right now was only a single word “Sorry”. How stupid am I to think that such single and simple word sorry can change everything. Can give me the happiness that I ever wanted. Can give the love that I always yearn for.

            But, I never get the chance to say another word as I saw the cute innocent smile slowly creeping sweetly on the said person face. That is when I know that nothing is needed to be said, no explanation is required as I was forgiven. A single word happened to be the key for my happiness. How grateful I am for such words exist in the world. Now, I am able to look forward and live every single day together with Tatsuya.


____Gomen for the broken english..This just pop into my mind when i suppose to be studying for my mid term exam..n when i show to my lil sis, she recommend me to post it so here it is..so comments are welcome but please dun be too harsh on me since i'm still new in writing...hehehe____
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
squall90
01 June 2009 @ 11:48 pm
this entry is actually been set s private before..
and someone has succesfully persuade me to making it public..
so here it goes...

thanks minna for the wish n everything..
especially to those involve with the making the so-called-physic-report...
hontou ni arigatou..
i can't thank you enough since u guys has done embedded something that no one could ever guess or know..

n thanks for the cake..
the person choose the cake really know me well cause i dun quiet like sponge cake...hehehe

btw..
here i would like to thanks to pka-chan too..
PKA-ME!!!!..
thanks for the greatest-super-duper-birthday-message u gave me..
that really make me squeal n kya-ing all day~~!!!..
hehehe..
n thanks for the piccu..
i'll definately treasure it..

as for didiko-chan..
thanks for the supre-diper-long-birthday-message u gave...
u never fail to amuse me lol didiko..
next time lets make another squealing contest n see who won this time k..hehehe

n maybe some of u know what does the picture below means..
but my intention of uploading this is only to show it to didiko ok..
no one else..
hehehe


*didi..mite..mite..kawaii deshou???~!*
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Current Mood: bouncybouncy
 
 
squall90
16 April 2009 @ 10:33 pm
have u ever wonder..
what will the world be if you are different…
if you are not born…
if you are in another place than the one you are right now…
if you choose to be the other way around different from the person you are today..

will the world become better??
or worst??

will you find the grant happiness??
or will you be dump to the very depth of the darkness...

no one knows what will happen if you do this instead of that..
but this is not the reason for you to not making decisions..
decisions are made base on our own instinct..
base on yourself…
you yourself know the best for you..
so…
there must be a reason behind all your previous decision..
so what's yours to choose?
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Current Mood: curiouscurious
 
 
squall90
15 April 2009 @ 10:02 pm
Today..
i've heard of the worst joke ever..
i know it means no harm at all..
but for me..
it almost cost me my life..

it's so cruel to make joke during those time..
maybe he wants to help us ease the tension..
the pressure that is overwhelming during that time
but the way he does it is wrong..
totally wrong..

it brings much difficulty to me..
it was the reason for my panic attack..

for several second..
i forget how to think..
to breath and...
suddenly i felt an acute pain in my chest..

i can't think..
my mind is empty...
everything around me almost shut down completely..
and that cost me one important idea...
an idea that should bring me hope...
an idea that i would never ever gonna regain it again..

and for that..
i thank you from the depth of my heart..
for telling such jokes under such circumstances...
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Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
squall90
14 April 2009 @ 07:16 pm
I wanna belong...
I wanna be...
Time is hunting me...
In my blood..
I am...
The thing inside that make me care...

Falling falling
Running running
Flowing flowing
Drifted away...
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Current Mood: draineddrained